My website died tonight...so this is what I'll be writing in from now on...the other site is still available, but it's not able to be updated, so all of my new stuff will now appear on here...
I'm listening to Brian Wilson's "Smile" album right now...for those of you who don't know, he started this album a long long time ago, went crazy, and didn't finish it until a few years ago...it's awesome, you should all listen to it.
I hung out with Tiffany tonight. She's one of those friends who you'll always have as a close friend, no matter where or what you end up doing. I only have a few friends like that...Blake, Adam and Jeremy will always be my best friends no matter how much time elapses between meetings; Nate, Ryan and Tiffany are probably next. Then there are the people I've traveled with, who, even though I don't talk to them much, we have so much in common just based on experience. The wankers Clint and Glenn are in this category along with Toby from Australia. These are the people I can call up no matter where in the world I am, and get advice, and sometimes even get a travel companion out of.
And then there's the people you're not quite sure about. Today was my last day at 'Woodwind', unexpectedly. I was supposed to work tomorrow, but with the impending weather forecast, Ken called me off. For the past two years I've felt like I've been a part of their family, someone close, in the loop...but now I'm not sure. I mean i want to come back...but they get people like me all the time. What makes me any different? They have to move on, no matter what I think in my head. Am I special to them, or just another employee who put in his time? It will be interesting if I come back here next summer and don't work for them what my relationship will be like with Ken and the family there.
That said, I'm excited about the future...not having a concrete plan to come back to has completely opened the door for me...as of right now, I can do whatever I want to do...I have no obligations to anyone with regards to a job, and Mia and I can stay in Europe, come to America, go to New Zealand, whatever, it's all on the table.
I am truly a different person when I'm in a new atmosphere. I'm convinced that when you're forced to be out on your own you change, because you have to...even here I'm stuck in my shell, my shy personality that isn't comfortable unless I'm with a familiar crowd. Yet when i travel, especially alone, I'm a totally different person. All of a sudden it's fun to meet people, fun to act stupid, to be more vocal, to actually experience new things. Is this because here the norm is boring, because abroad everything is new, exciting and different? Is it because abroad you can be yourself, truly yourself, where nobody has a pre-conceived notion of what you're like? Because nothing is familiar? Is there an answer?
All I know is that there has never been a more defining moment in my life than right now...or maybe there has, and this is where I ended up...but nontheless, the next six months of my life might change everything, and I hope it does. I'm not satisfied unless I'm in the middle of something exciting, and I think that's exactly where I'm headed.
There is no way to describe this. It's the indescribable feeling that life is at my fingertips...not the stupid way you think of...but life itself...life, exciting, unpredictable, enlightening, amazing life is right in front of me.
Life is visceral, when you really experience it. Unfortunately most of us are stuck in a routine, whether or not we realize it. It may be a nice routine, we may like it, but when we step back and look at our situation from the outside, it's still a routine...
What I mean when i say that life is visceral happens before this routine sets in...think about when you were so happy about a situation, so excited to be involved with something new, new friends, new people, new places, that everyday seemed like a treat, something new to look forward to even though you didn't know exactly what it was you were looking forward to. Then it all disappears...sort of. Your life becomes repetitive...things that are fun you continue to repeat, because, obviously, they are fun...but these things aren't as exciting as before, the newness has worn off...
I first understood this visceral quality of life when i first started traveling in 2004, in Costa Rica. I had two of the most depressing weeks of my life sitting on that god-forsaken beach guarding the turtle hatchery's in 100 degree heat...yet I experienced every day of that two weeks like it was the last day of my life...when experiences are deduced to their most elemental is when we really experience life. How many times have you stopped to think, 'holy moly, that seemed like such a long time ago...' But when you're in the moment, that's all that matters, and you become a different person.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'm enjoying my thoughts right now. I become someone else when I'm out of my normal surroundings. It all of a sudden becomes easy to be me, truly me, with no self-consciousness, no holding back, just me, because there are no preconceptions. I don't know if anyone will understand this, but I'm officially done typing. Goodnight.
